My absence from this space, I’ve come to accept, is a brand of self-punishment. For what exactly, I don’t know. I don’t even think I want to know. I just want to stop that immediately.
I abolished my old site and created this one, so that my sobriety could become more about a new adventure, a new life…turning the page. About more than just the struggle to not drink.
I also abolished my old site because my anonymity was in jeopardy. I will tell that story, but not now. 🙂 I’m not even sure if I want to connect my old site here. Maybe it’s simply time to breathe in fresh air…to be truly inspired to live in my new reality. And to remain anonymous. I live in a relatively small world. I’m sure you’ll figure out who I am soon enough! But I won’t use my real name here anymore.
Since I last posted I’ve gone through a couple of sober challenges without any real stress…during the event or after. I have somewhere in the neighborhood of over 150 days strung together, and have been drug and alcohol free for the better parts of 2015 onward. I don’t go to meetings, and I have experimented over the last many months (but not that last 150ish days) with various forays back into drinking or smoking weed…always coming back to the same conclusion: I cannot do that and remain sane.
I still have problems but at least now I know what they are. Ha! Now if only I can get around to facing them and doing something constructive about those ones as well and also.
I’m proud of myself for recently being able to invite people over for a spring equinox fire, cook tacos for them all, serve beer, be offered beer, wine and joints throughout the evening and just kind of drift and dance throughout all of that without being intensely tempted. I just told the truth… along the lines of Thanks but I‘ve already had enough. And I need to stay clear for work tomorrow.
My experiences this past year have strengthened my will to stay clear-eyed and give myself the opportunity to heal from the inside out. And I think I finally know, in a deep and genuine way, that taking that drink or that hit will not only NOT solve anything, but will also set me back in a big way. Especially emotionally and mentally. It hasn’t ever been worth it. I’ve never reached Nirvana or bliss with that “sip” and I haven’t ever magically been able to start drinking just A beer “whenever I feel like it.” Once I head down that road, I don’t really think about anything else, except…when can I drink again…? Will I have enough to drink tonight or do I need to get more? Does he realize I’m drunk? How much more can I drink without making an ass out of myself? And on and on. I also tried the I’ll just smoke pot route, which immediately led to (like literally within 1 minute) You know what sounds great? A BEER.
So yeah. No thanks.
The same weekend as this party I hosted we went to a birthday party for the best friend of my 4 year old son. There we met…well, the golden unicorns, seriously. The people we’ve been searching for and never finding for the entire 6 years we’ve lived here (we’re expats). We met actual hippies. Cool people. Artists. Free spirits. Intellectuals even. Deep thinkers. Hearty laughers. Gems. And toward the end of the evening some pot rather obviously started floating around…champagne was opened and offered, and again I was just cool with saying, I’m good. I gave it up. It wasn’t weird or uncomfortable or awkward or anything. And I was also perfectly happy to stick around and let my husband really enjoy these people. It was nice to be that free of all of the bullshit. To not give one single fuck what anyone else might think…because guess what? No one cares. Literally no one. Cares. At all. Whether or not anyone else drinks or smokes or farts or sings hallelujiah.
So anyway, I’m rambling on. Changing my writing style slightly because I don’t want this new site to get exposed to the exposerator. I’ll get comfortable with all of it again soon.
I missed you. I’m happy to be here.